There was a time when my heart burned to be a famous novelist. Writing a story has always been the most fun thing I could ever do.
Now I have a difficult time feeling as though it is a worthwhile occupation. There are so many stories already in the world, so many books and now blogs.
Perhaps it is just that I have surrounded myself with people who don't read fiction.
It is difficult for me to write if there is no hope of a sympathetic audience.
Yet I write this and feel my heart contract for lack of joy.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
A funny dream
Last night I dreamt of having friends. So many friends, like a tribe of friends. Someone I knew, someone who liked to give parties, was there. We were at odds when last I saw her, we were friends again now.
It occurred to me when I woke up what a great wealth it would be to have all my old friends back.
All the people I have ever loved, to have them love me again.
Just the way they use to.
I will try it on myself and see if I can manage it.
It occurred to me when I woke up what a great wealth it would be to have all my old friends back.
All the people I have ever loved, to have them love me again.
Just the way they use to.
I will try it on myself and see if I can manage it.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Generosity
In my mind wealth means the ability to be generous without feeling that unpleasant pinch inside.
My generosity is forced now. I make myself give.
Don't do it then?
I've tried that.
I've tried re-gifting and giving just the amount necessary so that I don't feel deprived of anything myself, but that amount gets smaller and smaller and the pinch gets bigger. Misers have cramped souls. Frugal is good, stingy is bad.
Generosity is wealth.
Can I give too much. I don't think I'm really in danger of doing that. But to have nothing to give away, no glass of water, no kind word, no meal or $10 tip or birthday cake, that makes me feel as though I were really poor.
Of course inside myself I always say that I have not given enough. The whole world is my business and I would need an infinite supply of everything to satisfy all of that. It's just a desire. A desire that speaks of generosity and wealth to come.
My generosity is forced now. I make myself give.
Don't do it then?
I've tried that.
I've tried re-gifting and giving just the amount necessary so that I don't feel deprived of anything myself, but that amount gets smaller and smaller and the pinch gets bigger. Misers have cramped souls. Frugal is good, stingy is bad.
Generosity is wealth.
Can I give too much. I don't think I'm really in danger of doing that. But to have nothing to give away, no glass of water, no kind word, no meal or $10 tip or birthday cake, that makes me feel as though I were really poor.
Of course inside myself I always say that I have not given enough. The whole world is my business and I would need an infinite supply of everything to satisfy all of that. It's just a desire. A desire that speaks of generosity and wealth to come.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
In a new world
I was thinking about dying this morning. It has a lot in common with moving.
When I moved from my longtime hometown last year I left a lot of people behind.
Oh it's not as though I moved to Mars, I will see them again, we call, we text, we email.
But the relationship has changed and will never be what it was when I was living there.
That is a really good description of dying.
How does this relate to prosperity.
Well, the less afraid I am of painful things, like dying,
the more life here seems like a gift and not a trial
and that is a great wealth.
When I moved from my longtime hometown last year I left a lot of people behind.
Oh it's not as though I moved to Mars, I will see them again, we call, we text, we email.
But the relationship has changed and will never be what it was when I was living there.
That is a really good description of dying.
How does this relate to prosperity.
Well, the less afraid I am of painful things, like dying,
the more life here seems like a gift and not a trial
and that is a great wealth.
Friday, May 17, 2013
an upcycling minimalist
I don't mean to denigrate the concept, but there is a real conflict here.
Everything I read on this subject says free up your energy, get rid of anything that is not essential to your well being. If I were a billionaire would I still have a drawer full of semi ratty socks?
Yet if I am only surrounding myself with those things I really love, what about upcycling? Turning something old into something new requires that you hang on to the something old until you can find a use for it.
There are many things I have given away that I later found out I needed. But you can't keep everything. Some things do wear out, and turning a few worn out and faded t-shirts into a sad looking skirt doesn't really help my minimalist wardrobe.
Classic clothing cannot be made out of upcycled materials.
At least not very often.
Upcycled usually means funky.
So the choice is whether to hang on to things that would end end up in a landfill, trying to find some, ( usually funky), way to make use of them or to eliminate the clutter and and keep only a few quality possessions, in reality adding (perhaps less but still some) to our throw away society.
Minimalist is usually fairly stark and uncreative.
The upcycle world is very creative but fairly messy.
Which feels wealthier?
At first glance of course minimalist seems as though it is the way to go. All that sleek unencumbered jet set elegance. I like it and it makes me feel wealthy and limited, ie. poor.
My creativity seems to require that I have lots of stuff around to make things out of. Just having the stuff to make stuff out of feels kind of wealthy. Even if that stuff is things that other people have thrown away.
Still, I do not like clutter and dealing with junk can get to me, that is, make me feel poor.
Help.
Everything I read on this subject says free up your energy, get rid of anything that is not essential to your well being. If I were a billionaire would I still have a drawer full of semi ratty socks?
Yet if I am only surrounding myself with those things I really love, what about upcycling? Turning something old into something new requires that you hang on to the something old until you can find a use for it.
There are many things I have given away that I later found out I needed. But you can't keep everything. Some things do wear out, and turning a few worn out and faded t-shirts into a sad looking skirt doesn't really help my minimalist wardrobe.
Classic clothing cannot be made out of upcycled materials.
At least not very often.
Upcycled usually means funky.
So the choice is whether to hang on to things that would end end up in a landfill, trying to find some, ( usually funky), way to make use of them or to eliminate the clutter and and keep only a few quality possessions, in reality adding (perhaps less but still some) to our throw away society.
Minimalist is usually fairly stark and uncreative.
The upcycle world is very creative but fairly messy.
Which feels wealthier?
At first glance of course minimalist seems as though it is the way to go. All that sleek unencumbered jet set elegance. I like it and it makes me feel wealthy and limited, ie. poor.
My creativity seems to require that I have lots of stuff around to make things out of. Just having the stuff to make stuff out of feels kind of wealthy. Even if that stuff is things that other people have thrown away.
Still, I do not like clutter and dealing with junk can get to me, that is, make me feel poor.
Help.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Shame
Sometimes I feel ashamed for not being wealthy.
I should be famous too.
To be worthy of breathing the air and growing old I should be wealthy and famous.
It doesn't matter what I did to acquire the money or the fame.These two things are the only things worth striving for.
Everything else is just an impractical pipe dream.
Tree-hugger- hippie- mystic- mushy stuff.
I think I am hanging out with the wrong people.
I am definitely hanging out with the wrong people.
I should be famous too.
To be worthy of breathing the air and growing old I should be wealthy and famous.
It doesn't matter what I did to acquire the money or the fame.These two things are the only things worth striving for.
Everything else is just an impractical pipe dream.
Tree-hugger- hippie- mystic- mushy stuff.
I think I am hanging out with the wrong people.
I am definitely hanging out with the wrong people.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
God and Money
Can I ask God for money?
Well I suppose I can always ask. I've asked for allot of things over the years. Asking for things doesn't work very well and it makes me uncomfortable, it seems mean. Nearly everyone on this earth could use more money asking God for that seems small. God is for bigger things.
The other trouble with asking God for money is the risk, what if I don't get it. That is the problem with prayer. When I pray for understanding or fearlessness, the response it immediate. Just the thought of praying for it brings it along in bucket loads.
The turnaround time for objects is much longer. Perhaps the trends of time in the material world have a certain momentum, it takes awhile to turn the semi truck trailer that is my life,and to get it going in a different direction.
I have learned though, that I have to ask. It's not about whether God knows what's happening, It's about whether I'm interested in doing something different.
It can't hurt to ask.
Well actually it can.
Like when I empty my whole soul into a prayer and then nothing happens and I am crushed. But something always happens from it, just not always right away.
When I pray like that I only need to do it once. I hear back and then I wait and see. A yes from God can mean allot of things. No's are good too, at least I know where I am at, no more wondering. God says no, then don't even try it.
I find I pray reflexively when I'm scared. I'll find myself saying a line from the Hail Mary over and over without even listening to it. I'm not sure if that is really prayer. But then in some way every thought has to be.
Well I suppose I can always ask. I've asked for allot of things over the years. Asking for things doesn't work very well and it makes me uncomfortable, it seems mean. Nearly everyone on this earth could use more money asking God for that seems small. God is for bigger things.
The other trouble with asking God for money is the risk, what if I don't get it. That is the problem with prayer. When I pray for understanding or fearlessness, the response it immediate. Just the thought of praying for it brings it along in bucket loads.
The turnaround time for objects is much longer. Perhaps the trends of time in the material world have a certain momentum, it takes awhile to turn the semi truck trailer that is my life,and to get it going in a different direction.
I have learned though, that I have to ask. It's not about whether God knows what's happening, It's about whether I'm interested in doing something different.
It can't hurt to ask.
Well actually it can.
Like when I empty my whole soul into a prayer and then nothing happens and I am crushed. But something always happens from it, just not always right away.
When I pray like that I only need to do it once. I hear back and then I wait and see. A yes from God can mean allot of things. No's are good too, at least I know where I am at, no more wondering. God says no, then don't even try it.
I find I pray reflexively when I'm scared. I'll find myself saying a line from the Hail Mary over and over without even listening to it. I'm not sure if that is really prayer. But then in some way every thought has to be.
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